Too Late

Disclaimer: The following is entirely a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual persons or events is purely coincidental.

It was a love like no other. There was never anything like the sound of his laughter. She didn’t know what she loved better – that contagious laugh or his ability to spread it to others. She could never pinpoint anything, really. There were so many things to love, yet there wasn’t a single reason that could clearly tell her why, but she always knew it. He was always the goofball, the goofball with a good heart and a big dream. They started a relationship deeply in love, hoping that one day they would carry it on to marriage. It was a commitment she had always been willing to make. She’s never loved anyone else, nor has she imagined life with anyone else but this man. It was the life she always wanted and the only one she could ever live with.

“So, will you do it?”

“Huh?” Izzie muttered, still in a daze.

Her sister looked annoyed now, sitting on Izzie’s bed. “I said, will you do it? Will you be my maid of honor?”

This was her sister talking, the older and more accomplished one. Colette, the one who got a business degree, got a job by twenty-one and was fully self-sufficient ever since. This same sister had just informed her that she was getting married, and now Colette wanted her to be the maid of honor.

Funny, she thought to herself. Colette was never a fan of marriage, or relationships, or all that happy-ever-after business. She was always so keen on getting her career going. Oh sure, she had a boyfriend in college. Boy, did their parents love him. He graduated with Colette at the top of their class, getting job offers left and right without even having to submit a resume. Interestingly, Colette and her boyfriend, Hunter, were never really that serious with each other. Sure, they were monogamous and loyal, but they were both career freaks. Neither of them ever believed they would end up together. They always said they would just ‘enjoy the moment’ with a ‘come what may’ attitude.

And now this was happening. A wedding? Her sister? And I get to be the maid of honor?

“Of course I will. Like I have a choice.”

Colette giggled like a teenager. “Wonderful! I’ve got to run. Planning a wedding is so stressful.”

“Wouldn’t want to be in your shoes,” she muttered sarcastically.

“Oh, Mom’s coming in soon. She’ll discuss the details with you. Bye, sis!”

Mom. Now here come’s the royal judge.

Their mother loved them both, no doubt, but Izzie always felt that they were always treated differently. Unfair is a word all too familiar to her. Colette always got to go where she wanted, never having to debate about particulars with her mother. She was always given cash on demand. She was given even more free rein when she got a job. Her mom hardly interfered with her. Relationships were never an issue. Colette could have her pick of guys and could tell every romantic detail to their mom. With Colette, their mom never went rattling on about studies, teenage pregnancy, distractions and all other matters she would have forcefully discussed with Izzie.

Compared to her free-rein sister, Izzie felt like she was chained. She always had to explain everything, to give a detailed itinerary for every where she had to go or whatever it was she had to do. She’d only be allowed if it was for academic reasons, but even that was met with scrutiny. She remembered when she was eighteen, when she and her groupmates had to visit this powerplant across the country to interview the head chemist. Her mother still asked if there would be a teacher accompanying them, or if the principal knew about it. “We can handle this on our own, Mom,” Izzie would always say. It never seemed to work, though. Regretfully, she would use ‘academic reasons’ to have a chance to see her friends, not to mention her boyfriend.

Yes, that was him. The only guy she ever had feelings for. He was wonderful. They synced harmoniously. He didn’t have any of the red flags parents usually fret about – he wasn’t a criminal, a drug addict, a smoker or a school drop-out.He didn’t even drink alcohol (Hunter, on the other hand, drank a lot of beer at her  sister’s birthday. Adorable.). Still, their mom never liked him. He did every thing he could, but there was always this wall that he couldn’t get through. Her mother acknowledged his existence, and yet you just knew that she would rather he wasn’t there at all.

She wondered at that time what her mother’s problem was. Hunter didn’t have any struggle being part of the family. They would argue about this over and over, without resolving anything and usually ending in mutual resentment. Izzie would obsess over this in her head. Was is it because she was younger? She and Colette were only eleven months apart. Maybe it was because she went to medical school, and took the bulk of the family budget at tuition time. She always wanted to be a doctor, but she had to face the consequences of having to be fully dependent on her parents for at least five more years. Maybe her mother thought that was enough reason to control her life. Whenever she would ask permission to go on a date, she would be allowed, but with a cold comment that she was wasting money and wasn’t doing anything important. She hated Colette and Hunter for having jobs early in life and getting to do whatever they wanted with it. She theorized that her mother had serious letting go issues when it came to her. As long as she was tied to her parents’ house, she hardly had a right to complain.

Izzie was at a loss at what she was doing wrong. She tried to be the best in other ways. She had good grades and graduated from her pre-medical course with honors. She wasn’t flunking any subjects in medical school. She didn’t believe her boyfriend was a distraction. He was actually a lifesaver. He would stay up for long hours and sacrifice his own time to help her out with paperworks and tutor her for her exams. She couldn’t have graduated on time without him. She figured being a good daughter and bringing home awards would justify having a relationship. Apparently, it didn’t work that way.

The arguments just got worse and the pain dug even deeper. She was tired of reasoning, complaining, speaking up. Her education told her to always speak her mind. Apparently, her mother thought that was incredulous, a sign of complete disrespect to your elders, no matter how calm and composed you present yourself.

It snowballed to a point when she couldn’t take it anymore, and her relationship suffered, a relationship she had always envisioned for the long run. Her boyfriend was always the patient, supportive type. He had no intentions of letting her go. But she was fed up, exhausted from all the stress. They lasted all of seven years before she broke up with him. Her mother didn’t say anything, but she always believed she was thrilled with the news.

Her mom got what she wanted anyway. Izzie was now a successful consultant at a relatively young age. She worked long hours and took home lots of money. Her career occupied most of her day, and she was suddenly surprised that she even had time to talk about wedding details. She was a doctor in four different hospitals, and juggling schedules through the traffic was a daily turmoil. She didn’t have anything else going on in her life, so she gave all that time to patients, hospital administrators, and the occasional local and national conferences.

Unfortunately, she didn’t have time to fall in love again, too. No time to go on dates, start a relationship, be engaged or get married. She’d lost interest, anyway. Her career allowed no space for any of the drama she clung to when she was younger. No one ever tried to fall for her, either, and no one caught her eye. No one made her feel that way again, and she was resigned to believe that no one ever will. Weddings, marriages, and happy endings were a thing of the past, a sliver of the memory she never had. She would convince herself that she was happy and fulfilled, and for a while she would believe it all. She knew she was lying, though. There was always something amiss no matter how successful she became. Emptiness gnawed at her soul perpetually. She could feel it as she dragged herself to work day in, day out. Time in, time out. An endless, repetitive motion of a life she thought she would enjoy.

“I assume Colette already told you the amazing news.”

Her mother’s entrance startled her. “Uh-huh,” she mumbled. She wasn’t used to small talk with her mother.

“So, when are you planning on getting married?” her mother said while she brought out sample fabrics they could choose for the motif. “You’re getting pretty old. I can’t wait forever you know.”

The words struck Izzie like knives, but instead of growing weaker, she wanted to pull those knives out and retaliate. These words were coming from a woman who made her lose the only man she had cared to love, was adamant against anything romantic, anything related to dates, boyfriends, flowers, chocolates. The same woman was asking for a marriage, and possibly grandchildren.

“I’m not going to marry. I don’t have time,” she replied, quietly but with conviction.

“Nonsense. It was always your wild idea back then.” She lay down the sample invitations. “How about that boy you were so crazy about?”

It was getting harder to suppress anger. “I don’t have time for any more wild ideas. And that boy’s name was Frank, if you ever cared to remember. Frank’s not part of my life anymore.”

“You’re not going to like being an old maid, you know. I’m just worried.” Her mother tried to sound sympathetic and concerned, but it wasn’t working. Her words were muffled by years of pent-up resentment and regret. It was her decision to break up with Frank, she knew that. But after all those years of arguments, she just couldn’t help but blame it on her mother. Now they were having this conversation, this stupid conversation she never thought she would have to participate in.

Izzie’s alarm sliced through the awkward silence. “I have to go. Bedside rounds.”

Her mom looked up. “Aren’t you going to help with the wedding?”

Izzie picked up her bag, turned to go, then looked at her mother. She loved her mother, and she knew her mother loved her too. She was just looking out for her, all these years. But the years had gone by and the decisions had been made, and there was nothing left to live with but the pain and regret.

“I’m too old to plan weddings, Mom. It’s too late.”